I finally found someone compatible. She’s bipolar.
What makes it work is that she knows what not being neurotypical feels like, so there’s a lot more understanding and empathy than with all my previous partners.

The advice about not looking for love is good but incomplete. I think that some people (myself included) have to put some thoughtful effort into dating if they want a partner. For others, it comes more naturally for one or two simple reason(s): they have a wide social circle and/or they have lives that consistently put them in contact with a lot of other people. In a lot of ways, it truly is a numbers game.

Since I’m not one of those people, I took a systematic approach to dating and sought to replicate that network effect while still staying true to myself. I upgraded to the paid version of Scruff (I’m a gay man) after realizing that it was far easier for me to make friends than date where I was. The immediate goal was not to find a boyfriend, it was to practice chatting with men in a platonic manner. The secondary goal was to make a friend or two. I made a goal of chatting with 4-5 people each week.

In the meantime, I started delving more into my hobbies by taking classes and going to meetups because they exposed me to more people. Also, hobbies are a good source of conversational topics.

After 3-4 months of doing this, I received a message on Scruff at 2:00 one morning. My sleep schedule at that time was messed up, so I was actually awake then. I looked at his profile and saw that he was interested in maps (one of my special interests). So I responded and we just hit it off. If you’ve ever met someone and just clicked with them, you’ll understand what I mean by that. We became good friends within a month or two, then things got a little more serious. The downside was that he was literally on the other side of the continent and we both had careers that were dependent on our locations, so we agreed to keep things platonic. We met in person the following month and found that the attraction was still there, only stronger.

We’ve been together for over four years now and have lived together for 3.5 of them. He also has ADHD, which is probably part of why we get along so well. Perhaps I just got lucky, but if I hadn’t pushed myself to socialize with others (I consider text-based conversations to be a form of socializing), we would never have met.

tl;dr: The closest thing there is to a magic formula is to be kind, interesting, and interested in other people. And “interesting” means different things to everyone, but in my experience, hobbies and special interests tend to be a bit of an advantage. Also, a good first step is to widen your social circle (use your favorite search engine to learn more about the weak ties theory, if you want to nerd out about how that works…this is also a good start: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interpersonal_ties).

I (AuDHD diagnosed last year) am very glad that I met my wife (NT as far as we know) in the 90s. I think that was a more forgiving time. Since i’m completely clueless in regards to flirting, non verbal signals and reading between the lines, my (now) wife had to basically ask me to kiss her for me to realize that she might be interested in me. So I can’t really give advice other than: be friendly and wait for the rigth person to choose you. Regarding personality types I can say that I’m often indecisive and tend to overthink things while my wife is very practical and a bit dominant. It works rather well for us.

What kind of things have you found to be sticking points?

If they’ve generally been the same sticking points across many potential partners, here’s my 2¢:

• Principles - IMO I find that us neurodivergents can be really principled, it may help to try and seek someone who shares the same strong values as you for whatever it is that matters the most to you

• Something continually drawing you to a particular personality type, you could try and meet people in unusual situations or different environments/contexts instead to try and shake things up. If you’re using an app, scrap your current profile and make a brand new one, hopefully that should give you a more varied choice of potential partners IMO

Some people are skeptical of personality tests and personality traits (I’m not, having witnessed most of these traits and their quirks firsthand). You could try taking a personality test to figure out what kind of people you’ll get along with really well, helping you on your way to finding a partner.

Even though I am aware of sounding incredibly cliché and cringe: The more you try to force it, the less success you’ll have. Forget personality types. Forget ‘effort’. People seem to instinctlively know when you’re not having a good time or when you’re outside your comfort zone. So have a good time first, and look for a mate second.

(Also, I am aromantic, so my sack of advice is probably worth only the sack)

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I don’t think I ever did dating. I found a human I liked, claimed them, and got married.

My partner is the best friend I’ll ever have, and someone I want to hang out with every day. I’m lucky that they feel the same way about me.

Go out, enjoy yourself, hang out with friends if you want, and you might end up keeping one. Your partner should be someone you can be around every day, through their best and their worst. Where better to start then as friends?

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