So last time they asked how is my relationship with my parents when my mom was in the room… 🤦♂️ how was I supposed to honestly answer that lmfao…
So I told mom to leave…
So today she told me she want to be in the room with me from now on…
Because shes “worries” they will try to “trick” me into talking more which then “they would use as an excuse to overprescribe” dosage that is too high… or whatever
And she uses dad and the blood pressure thing as an example like she says: “everything was fine until [dad] mentioned ‘high blood pressure’ to the doctir and now the doctor is prescribing so much ‘unnecessary’ medications”
Also she’s kinda into Traditional Chinese Medicine…
Funny thing is the next appointment is virtual… so I guess I’m just gonna “forget” to remind her about it lol.
So yeah… that’s the story of my life
Like… before y’all yell “narcissist”… I do genuinely think there is a part of her that “cares” about me… but I feel like its a kinda twisted and weird way of “love”…
Like it comes with control, “mother knows it all” type of shit
I think I’m starting to understand the term “emeshment”…
Now I think I understand why China has a bunch of depressed people that are unemployed/don’t really feel motivated in life… (see: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tang_ping)
I doubt most people in China even seeks treatment for depression…
Why was I born into this culture? 😭
I’m so lucky to have emigrated… cuz How do young depressed people in China even deal with this shit? I mean with this shame culture… 🤔
(anyways feel free to ignore, just need a place to sort of vent)
Last time I went to the restaurant with my parents… I kinda just sat there depressed while I have nothing to talk about with them…
Then I went to a park and took a walk there… kinda fun… but then like it felt so exhausting when I got home then next day the same shit again… (felt depressed again)
Like how many times of this I need to get “cured”?
Ahhhh I need my drivers license but I need a doctor to fill the papers to even get a learners permit but they think I’m too depressed to drive… like wtf even is this, its a driver’s license ffs, not a pilots license lmfao (Pennsylvania, USA btw… I hate this shenanigan with the stupid DMV)
So I feel trapped, can’t go anywhere.
My parents aren’t always available to drive me to places…
The park I like to walk in is outside of walking distance.
So I feel like the univers is trolling me.
And no, I don’t feel like walking around my block… too many kids running around and they’re too anxiety inducing (I mean how do you even deal with kids running around that are not of your ethnicity… I feel like they’re gonna yell slurs at me)… just too many people and I don’t wanna get recognized like “OOH DO YOU LIVE AT [address]” then they’re gonna be like “hey look it’s the weirdo Chinese boy that lives at [address]” and I’m gonna feel more anxiety…
I mean it’s Philly, deep blue city, shouldn’t be that racist… but still… flashbacks to school years in Philly… children can be very cruel, I know from experience, and the thing about being legally an adult is that I can’t just yell back at them anymore like I could when I was still in school.
Never actually interacted with them… so its just my fears speaking… I rarely ever walking around my block for the past like 10 years… mostly just get in a car and like get driven by parents to somewhere…
I kinda feel like I wanna be a ghost… just don’t want people to see me and potentially get into a confrontation…
Idk what’s the point of this wall of text honestly…
(Thanks for commenting btw, at least I don’t feel like I’m yelling into the void lol)
I had a bike when I was a kid and as long as I was home for dinner, nobody cared. I biked a lot. Like 2 or 3 cities over, maybe 25 miles each way. Parents thought it was good exercise. I now realize that it was freedom. I went to tge computer store and played games on the computers I could not afford. Also, in hindsight, biking was the physical thing that I needed so that I didn’t punch someone, or worse. I had lots of rage and took it out on the road. I averaged 18MPH, which is pushing pretty hard.
Part 2: until social media, I never realized how messed up the Chinese culture is. I’m sorry to hear that you are going through all this.