I love my partner more than anything else in this world. We generally have a great relationship but, I’ve been working 60+ hour weeks for a few months and it has started taking a toll on our relationship. I’m on the “high functioning” end of the autism spectrum and I’m also ADHD, so my work schedule has been particularly exhausting with my limited social/executive function batteries. I’m insanely burnt out. My SO is very supportive, mostly… He’s been taking a break from low wage jobs and working primarily at the house, and he just started a new freelance style job that amounts to a gig every few weeks for now. This arrangement has been working well for us, in terms of having things covered, but he wants to work more to bring in more income. He works hard and I see a lot of value in everything he does. No issues there. But, he doesn’t leave the house much, so he has an abundance of social energy and is significantly lacking in getting enough socializing/ connection. He talks to his mom everyday and me. We’re each other’s best friends, lovers, and support system.
The problem we’re having now is that I’m so burnt out when I’m home that I just want to melt into the couch and completely turn off. He wants to talk constantly because he’s been missing me and has a bunch of pent up social energy. When I explain that I really don’t want to talk a lot, he reacts like I’m telling him I don’t want to talk to HIM at all, and I don’t find anything he says interesting. I’ve tried to clarify, repeatedly, that I want to be around him, but sit quietly and play a game. It’s not about him. I’m just too exhausted to be able to focus on what I’m doing (gaming, reading, whatever), focus on what he’s saying, and focus on the video he’s watching that is usually what he’s talking about. I’m being asked to concentrate on three things at once and stay 100% engaged in small talk with him the whole time… While I’m completely out of mental energy. I explain that I’m exhausted over and over again, as nicely as possible, only to be met with a negative response every time.
On top of this, he does a few things, constantly, that actually annoy me to no end. His idea of organization is hiding things where no one (including him) would think to look for that thing, in a different spot every time, and he leaves shoes/clothes/boxes/etc in the middle of open floors/walkways. I’m CONSTANTLY look for stuff and tripping/stepping on stuff. My ADHD/Autism is already a constant struggle, and his behaviors multiply those struggles. I’m always exercising patience. I look at those things as quirks of the man that I love. Small prices to pay to live with the love of my life. But, when I’m super burnt out I get very irritable and I’m not as patient.
That stuff, plus him refusing to let me sit in peace has been really getting to me and I finally blew up on him. I was definitely an asshole, but I feel like I was driven to a breaking point and he refuses to hear my perspective. His response has been “just go somewhere else and don’t fucking talk to me then”. He thinks I don’t find him interesting at all and I’m not fostering any romance or connection in the relationship. I’m always trying to be sweet/cuddle and he rejects those attempts 90% of the time. He’s threatening to leave me if I don’t stop being moody. Basically, he’s saying “tough shit, this is how I am, take it or leave it”. I feel like I’m not allowed to recover from burn out around him, which sucks because, with how busy my work has been, I also really miss him and want to be around him. Why can’t we just relax without all the small talk!?! I’m in between a rock and a hard place and he refuses to budge. I feel like I’m losing him and I don’t know what to do.
Aside from these (IMO, totally normal) relationship issues, I genuinely think he’s the most beautiful, intelligent, and generally amazing person I know. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. My plan is to establish some strong boundaries with my boss. Working 60+ hours a week for months on end is killing my relationship and putting too much strain on my personal life/ responsibilities. I’m willing to sacrifice anything for my relationship with my partner, but his reaction to how much I’ve been going through, and the way he’s threatening to leave me after a few difficult months has me questioning if he feels the same.
On top of all of this, my dog died about a month ago. I had her for 13 years, since she was 6 weeks old. Losing her has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through. I’ve been extremely emotional. Crying multiple times a week, sometimes multiple times a day, over her. Crying at random bits of world news, songs, parts of shows/movies. I’m a mess, emotionally, which has definitely amplified the burn-out irritability. I’m at the end of my rope, my partner has seemingly ran out of patience with me and I don’t know what to do. I really need some external perspectives and thoughtful advice.
I left for a 5 day work trip today and we argued in the car the whole way to the airport. Posting this in between connecting flights, so I may not respond for awhile.
I think this may be a multi-part issue. For him:
It’s not fair of him to do very little to expend that energy and then expect you to meet his needs, especially at a point where you’re struggling yourself.
It’s not at all uncommon for men to depend on the women in their lives for the vast majority of their emotional support. Which isn’t fair to the partner who’s burns themselves out to meet that need, nor is it fair to the man who’s needs aren’t being met.
He desperately needs to get more people into his life. Even if you weren’t working massive hours and essentially supporting the entire household on your own, it’s not fair on you to be be almost the entire focus of his emotional and social support structure.
What’s his explanation for this? I can’t imagine hiding things away and leaving other stuff in the middle of the floor is “organized”.
This one really bothers me for reason I can’t see. If you’re willing, you might try posting over in /r/Two chromosomes ; while they can be too quick to tell people to leave their partner, they’re also generally really good at spotting the reasons behind some toxic behaviors.
Ah, yes, men: the people who think women are too moody, and never understand that anger is an emotion as well …
I’ve done the 60-70 hour workweeks for months on end thing, and it’s not just the hours spent in work each week. It’s the loss of time to do everything else that needs to be done; even when you’re incredibly efficient about it, the constant plate-spinning takes a toll. And the weeks at work aren’t just individual weeks - they take a cumulative toll that can take a while to recover from, once you’re out from under the gun. It’s not sustainable.
It’s true that your work schedule is affecting your life and your relationship. Question: what is your partner doing to help you through this time? Is her picking up the slack: vacuuming, doing the laundry, making meals, cleaning up, taking out the garbage? Or is he still expecting you to do all that in addition to your work?
Oh - I’ve just identified one of the things that bothered me about hiding things away/not putting things away [2XC could probably identify more]. This sounds like weaponized incompetence - being intentionally incompetent at a task so that you do it instead.
I’d take this week to sit down and give it a serious think. Write down complete list of household chores [and all the subtasks those chores involve], and who does them and how often (and how well): who plans meals, does the shopping, the prep work, the cooking, the cleanup? Who collects the laundry, washes them, moves them to the dryer, puts them away? Who vacuums, cleans the bathrooms, takes out the garbage, picks up around the house? I know the answers to several of those already, but you should sit down and write up a full list of all the mental and physical labor that goes into keeping a household functioning, and who’s doing that work.
Then figure out who’s contributing money to the household, how much and what that money is getting used for. [My suspicion is that you’re paying for the household and a lot of his income gets spent on pizza when no one wants to cook, video games, and whatever his current hobby is.]
I think, in the end, you’re doing the vast majority of the “grown-up” work, and he’s acting like a spoiled teen: staying home, kind of drifting and not contributing much, working but only when he feels like it. Some other things I’m curious about (and I’m not asking, but you should think about) is whether there’s a noticable age gap between the two of you; whether he’s lived on his own before for any decent amount of time without anyone helping to take care of him (which includes fussy roommates, old partners, or his mom stopping by I’ve it twice a week); whether he comes from a culture or family that tends to either baby the males or overindulge the children; and what he’s said about the breakup of any prior relationships he may have had.
Overall, I think he needs to work on himself a bunch, and that you could use a vacation, and that both of you could use some couples therapy. I know therapy gets a bad rap and he’ll likely be resistant, but think of it as a way to potentially resolve at least some of your communications issues. One of the classic examples was a wife that was annoyed that her husband kept using the family credit card, even after he’d agreed with her that they shouldn’t go into debt [excluding emergencies, obvs]. The counselor asked them to define “debt”. Her definition was “owing money to someone”; his definition was “not being able to pay off the balance within a reasonable time”.
I wish you a less stressful week, plenty of time to really think things over, and a beautiful future.