I’m living a nightmare at the moment. I’ve been trying to curb the last remnants of meltdowns where I start to get irritated and stressed and can’t handle what’s happening.

So my husband suggested gummies. I already vape, and they started selling gummies too. So I tried it. When I was younger, I smoked a handful of times and it did nothing. My body is weird when it comes to medication, mind altering substances, etc. When I’d drink, it could work one day but the next time the same amount did nothing, then it’d work again, etc. No rhyme or reason, and I tried everything I could think of to find out why. No dice.

The gummies helped so much. I was happier, no stress, no irritation. It was beautiful and I loved it. Then yesterday happened. This shitty state decided to close the loophole on delta 8. Now I’m back to being irritated and stressed and I hate it so much.

Doctor prescribed me klonopin (yes i scheduled an appointment immediately) . Instead of making me feel like I’m light and open, now I get to feel oppressed again, like depression meds I also take do. Emotionally I’m no longer depressed, but chemically I am (I don’t make enough of the feel good chemicals), but this med makes me feel almost like I used to. I keep expecting The Voice to tell me what a piece of shit I am. It hasn’t happened yet but the anticipation is freaking me out.

Even if it levels out, it’s like living in a cardboard box after owning a mansion. I’m disheartened and I’ve been crying since I found out. We are moving to an adjoining blue state at the first of the year, so there’s a light at the end. But why am I not allowed to feel normal even if I’m not? Who did I piss off in a previous life?