I’m really sorry everyone…this is all my own damn fault, I’m not denying that in the slightest.
spoiler
I was planning to die today. But I guess I’m not even capable of doing that.
This is all because I’m such an overdramatic, pathetic loser, an excuse for a human being. After an appointment with a new psychiatrist where her first question was “What is your deadname?” and after she told me I “started HRT late”, I just fell into a deeper spiral. Now there’s uncertainty if I’ll even be able to go to Thailand for SRS, which made me full on suicidal upon finding out, so I just kinda…broke.
And there’s the constant regret of not starting sooner, constant self-deprecating and loathing from feeling like I’ll never be a woman. Hating my face and body every single waking second.
I’m just…depressed and not doing well right now. And I’m making it everybody’s problem.
I’m sorry, but I guess I’m sticking around. I’m not dead just yet. I’m making a new account and starting over. But…at least, maybe you’ll believe me now that I’m not actually a good person?
I’m really sorry. I’m actually the worst. I know that.
Maybe I should have died. Maybe. But…instead I guess I’ll bother you all some more, again, from zero.
I’m sorry for being such an unimaginable fuckup…
Sincerely,
a very depressed trans girl,
Miisha
Girl, don’t delete the damned account! (Oh, nvrmnd, too late. But at least you replaced it with Miisha). We’re just getting to know you! And you are loveable as fuck. You are being yourself and sharing the real you. It’s amazing and wonderful. Don’t toss that aside. The world needs that in it. We need you in it.
Your apologies are to no one, because they aren’t needed by anyone. We just want you to stay here and become the woman you don’t realize you can be. There are countless stories of trans women becoming the women they want to be after years of being sure they could never achieve that. That’s a thing. You are in it and you will have that story to help others with when you become the woman you want to be. You just don’t believe it yet, and that’s the most important part of the story. So good. I’m glad you don’t believe it yet. That will make your story even more helpful to the people who need to hear it in the future.
Stay here and be amazing. Right now that just means being your authentic self. You need to be nice to yourself, and give yourself time and space to grow. It was tough growing up once. Now you get to do it again, so let’s actually make it fun this time. It’s possible. I promise.
Also, get a new therapist. This one sounds dumb as fuck. I just want to sit around and talk shit about them with future you.
The world is filled with terrible people. You ain’t one of 'em. Your existence dilutes the asshole ratio and therefore improves the lives of everyone around you. Depression makes that very hard to see. Let’s address this depression by finding the right therapist. You might have to go to a dozen of them to find the perfect one for you. But that will be the most important shopping you ever do in your life. Totally worth it!
Ok, now take two shrooms and call me in the morning.