So I recently started to recognize a lot of the behaviors associated with ADHD. I was and still am in doubt whether I have ADHD or not, but some specific events caused me to ask my doctor to refer me for a diagnosis. I was actually doing quite OK-ish this year, after having struggled with self-worth, short depressive episodes and mild trauma in the recent past. But I noticed that I started to have trouble focusing again as the newness wore off after my career change. And I got called out by my friends for “acting ADHD”. Which did not sound unusual at all.
So I got the referral, went through the intake with shrink 1, did an adult ADHD diagnosis with shrink 2. The diagnosis involved me and my mom answering questions about the presence of ADHD symptoms now and in my early childhood (5-12 yo). Basically, now I do have almost all of the characteristics, though they often are erratic (no problems studying, huge difficulties with household tasks, work productivity varies orders of magnitude day to day) and often not noticed by others (my average productivity in a month is great, though many days I feel shit due to not being able to do what I am supposed to).
In childhood, no symptoms were found. Zero. Partly because everyone in my family is forgetful and mom picks up stuff after everyone all the time, I was constantly reminded/pushed/supported and did not really have the opportunity to forget things (though I still did) and partly because like now, many of these things happen in my head and are not noticeable in the averages that others see. Except when I’m talking too much and interrupting people but I guess thats acceptable when children do it.
Maybe I don’t have ADHD. Maybe it’s something else. Maybe the shrink misunderstood me.
But I feel shit right now. The title is what I had pre-planned to say to people about the outcome and if they say again “don’t act so ADHD”. I can say it with a laugh and everyone thinks I’m funny and quirky.
But the truth is, I feel misunderstood. I feel like a failure for having fallen into an ADHD phenotype even though I am hugely privileged and have none of the baggage so many people here do. No childhood trauma, no school/grades problems, no poverty.
I can’t help but feel that my behavior is my fault, as is wasting health professionals time, who could have helped someone who actually needed it. Shrink 1 is on “long-term sick leave” now. She got stressed by me clicking things constantly during the (remote) interviews. Another thing to feel guilty about.
Best case now is that they diagnose me with some sort of anxiety disorder now. I have been reading a book on autism that I found and it somewhat satisfies my yearning for closure and community in what the author finds, but it also makes it extra painful that I don’t have that.
I don’t have ADHD, I just am super annoying. And I need to deal with that and it’s not actually all that funny.
I’m sorry for the wall of text. Thanks for sharing your stories and memes and goodbye!
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Look, ADHD is a constellation of symptoms that are statistically shared by people who generally benefit from similar treatment, given a name basically only for paperwork and insurance purposes. The DSM is a statistical manual, not a checklist. A diagnosis doesn’t mean anything, other than maybe insurance coverage. You’re still going to be who you are. Good news though is you can change who you are, and change how you think, regardless of whether you have a constellation of shared symptoms diagnosable as ADHD or not.
My advice is: get to know yourself and what you need each day to be mostly content, without any comparisons to what others are doing or want to be doing. If you don’t know what you need you aren’t going to get around to working toward what you want, and will likely find yourself searching for something and coming up short.
For me, anything I or anyone else ever blamed on ADHD has been a product of thought processes I learned as a child and which are no longer helpful as an adult. My reward center was all fucked up from generations of family members who used guilt, shame, harsh words, and loud voices, to motivate themselves and others. That’s not violence, shame and guilt are no less traumatic. Maybe you relate, maybe not.
With effort you can change your thoughts processes. Tell yourself what you want to believe, and especially what you already know to be true. Make a list of your strengths and repeat them to yourself as often as you can. Make a list of things you want to be true and are working toward and repeat them to yourself as often as you can. Or listen to self affirmation videos on YouTube and use other people’s power thoughts. It will change the way your brain makes connections and make t easier and easier to change the way you think until it becomes the only way you think. This is more or less the concept behind CBT.
You’re on your way already; said you are recognizing behaviors and habits that you want to change. You can change them, even with a constellation of symptoms diagnosable as ADHD for insurance purposes.
The longer you go bearing the burdens of such symptoms–whether it’s blowing deadlines, abandoning tasks, or annoying people by getting too excited sometimes–the more ingrained these unhelpful thoughts processes become; i.e., thoughts of helplessness and distrust in yourself, and you develop a limited mindset, or learned helplessness. The brain is a muscle, and any line of thinking, for better or worse, become easier with repetition. ** And I wouldn’t wish a lifetime of stimulant use on my worst enemy.
E: Couple more thoughts.
Any problem I’ve ever had with procrastinating or impulsivity, hyper focus, inattention, anger, or sadness, has been a result of an inability in the moment to adequately manage my emotions. You do not procrastinate because you literally lack the willpower or motivation to get the task done. In fact, I bet you are using significant willpower to avoid feeling how you are afraid you may feel if your fears about the task come true, and what that may mean about you. Maybe you relate maybe not. If you do, know that you can retrain your reward center by reframing the nature of the tasks and what they mean to you; I found it empowering to realize that much of life is suffering and we can either suffer the discomfort of hard work or the discomfort of avoidance and shame. Start giving yourself prizes of like going to a nice restaurant or making ice cream sundaes, a cigar, a hike, or whatever, when you achieve small, measurable goals, and just keep doing it, trying to focus your mind on enjoying the rewards and reflecting on what actions you took to earn them.
Exercise, too, has been huge for me, for managing emotions, thinking clearly, regulating all the fight or flight and stress hormones that only exacerbate my least helpful thought processes.
