What’s wild is how the end of that sketch reads like an AI prompt

Wait, I see a television commercial. There’s a nude woman in a bath holding a bit of your string. That’s great. Great! But we need a doctor, gotta have a medical opinion. There’s a nude woman in a bath with a doctor. That’s too sexy. Put an archbishop in there watching, that’ll take the curse off it. Now, we need children and animals. There’s two kids admiring the string, and a dog admiring the archbishop who’s blessing the string. Uhh… international flavor’s missing; make the archbishop Greek Orthodox! Why not Archbishop Makarios? No, no, he’s dead. Nevermind, we’ll get his brother, it’ll be cheaper. There’s Archbishop Makarios’ brother and a doctor, in a bath, with a nude woman, two kids and a dog- no…

I’ll do it right now. Not my thing but I feel like the artist wants me to.

I think Sonic will be doing most of the inserting here

“oh this is a Muppet show? Very well, I shall be a Muppet as well.”

“No Tim you can just act… Oh my God he’s done it.”

Kind of depends on what you’re looking for. Most of this is going to be based on my own experience, your mileage may very. I managed to reverse my own metabolic disorder with this stuff. It’s worth noting that you don’t need to be 0 carb. You need to be dramatically lower carb than most people are typically eating. If you get less than 100 carbs a day you’re doing pretty well. Anything less than 50 is pretty dramatic and you’ll need to eat a LOT of green veggies to give your brain some fuel. I did that for a few years and had no issues but it’s not a great place to start.

If you’re in to baking there’s a huge community of low carb content creators and substitutes for traditional products. Allulose, Erythritol, xylitol, and monk fruit are all available in various forms as sugar substitutes. I find that a blend of almond and coconut flour gets you close on recipes that don’t need much gluten. Note that xylitol breaks down at high temperatures and is better as a sweetener for things that are cold.

If you just want a fuckin candy bar, Think brand has a few options that are marketed as being Keto. Which may or may not be bullshit, keto and low carb are related but not necessarily the same. It did however, not have much glycemic impact.

La tortilla factory has decent low carb tortillas that are the lowest impact. Mission makes better tortillas that are low carb, but not as low carb. By all accounts however the mission low carb tortillas are fine for people who actively monitor their blood glucose.

I use Isopure zero carb protein powder and make protein shakes that are indistinguishable from a milkshake.

I think Justin’s peanut butter only has peanuts and oil as ingredients. No added sugar.

I’ve found that a blend of soy sauce, rice vinegar, gochujang, sesame oil and a few cloves of chopped garlic gets you pretty close to a traditional “Chinese” style sauce. If you’re desperate for Chinese food. If it’s not sweet enough you can add a little artificial sweetener listed above.

I’m sure I could go on. If there’s a specific low carb thing you’re looking for I might have a recommendation. Unless it’s bread. Get used to using tortillas if you need bread. There is no good low carb bread. It can’t be done.

I’ve been living low carb for 5+ years now. I lost 100ish pounds in about 18 months. I’ve maintained that weight, plus a few holiday pounds, for the remainder of that time. I have slowly reintroduced some carbs and haven’t seen a return of metabolic syndrome yet.

If only I could cycle in my town without fear of death from every direction

There are now, fortunately, plenty of low carb, low glycemic products that are a lifesaver when you have cravings. 5 years ago navigating the world without sugar was a nightmare but these days it’s much easier. You can’t really go out to eat, people will get offended when you turn down food they’ve offered, but you can do it.

So fun thing about vanity, that historically refers to asking God for petty things that God would not care about.

Like winning a basketball game, or the lottery. It’s “vanity” to assume God would give a bother about things so unimportant just because YOU asked. Because whether or not you win is (theoretically) more about practice and application than divine intervention.

Though, obviously modern Americans don’t give a shit about what the words in the book actually fucking mean. They’re still likely to call it Jesusland, as likely as anything else, because even with the modern definition, they’re not likely to actually care. THEY are God’s chosen, and therefore THEY have special rules to go along with their special connection to Christ.

You may not blaspheme, though. You may not exist in their presence so long as you are not pious, upstanding, and white cis Christian. Though they wouldn’t call you cis, that’s for some reason a slur in Jesusland.

Jefferson has entered the chat

A single massive swath of Missouri River Basin, containing roughly the population of California and Texas combined.

LPT could effectively break off, form it’s own country and win the upcoming water wars alone.

Your car’s replacement value goes down with age, that’s one of the bigger factors determining how much your insurance costs.

someone needs to tell that to my insurance company

Your vehicle is also getting older and cheaper to insure. You may also have had something fall of your driving record.

Who’s getting constant MRIs as a “preventative” measure.

You know who ELSE gets routine MRIs? Alzheimer’s patients taking Leqembi.

This user has been banned from hexbear.net

I gotta flick the nipples to get the crust off. (Phrasing)

Look at this soft water havin motherfucker with his clean ass shower head

She would have lost to a moldy ham sandwich.

Arnold was the chief engineer. At least in the book, I’m not sure if the movie bothers to make it very clear.

He will progress to the point where he won’t even be competent enough to speak, and they will not article 25 him. They’ll hide him away in the white house and Vance will effectively be the president, or someone in his cabinet will effectively take over. And we’ll have our own little death of Stalin.