If anybody else wants to be added to the roll call, just let me know

I’ve started doing daily strength exercises (squats and dumbbell presses) which have been going well the past 3 weeks (only a few missed days).

My channel has kind of been going through a rough patch though. I had a very good December which spoiled me a bit but January was rough and February has been even worse. I’m just going to keep posting through the dip and hope it picks up. My various goal deadlines are the end of March and I think how it is by then will dictate whether I stop and move onto other things or continue for another 3 months. I’ve never been more ahead schedule-wise though which is nice.

The job I wanted pretty much vanished. It was supposed to be a contract position but due to the company’s fuck-up, they’re only offering me the chance to work for them as an employee. While that sounds like it could be a good thing, this company has done almost nothing but fuck up in my experience. At one point, they pinged me about a potential gig and I asked what the rate was. Do you know how they responded? They said the rate was “good.” Like in what universe did they think I wanted a fucking adjective in response to that question? Their fuck-ups are all like this; they fuck up in a surprising new way that I previously hadn’t even considered possible. I could list more but opsec. So no, my whole system revolted so hard against the question of my working for them that I’m just going to burn the bridge and never do business with them again.

I have some other irons in the fire and will land on my feet.

Still not drinking.

My arms are still sore from working out yesterday, which is a good sign. I’ve gotten to a point I never thought I would: I enjoy cardio. I really like the sweat, and the feeling of realising that I’ve got more in me. I’ve only just started running consistently but already I’ve seen some progress. A few months ago I struggled to run 1km at 10km/h without taking a break, I would usually get to 700 or 800 meters before slowing down. Today I ran 1.3km without slowing, and had more in me after a break to run a bit more.

Good news, I have an interview coming up on Tuesday for a full-time non-seasonal gig. Like I’m legit studying for this shit because this can be my ticket to start my adult life in earnest. The bugbear is it will be in a high cost of living and not really pay that much, but it will be well above minimum wage at least. But the job itself is definitely a stepping stone I don’t want to actually spend too much time in. If I’m going to have my career existential crisis, I’ll do it while paying my own way.

Working out aside, I’ve been working with a therapist and I need to find an avenue for me to get out of my own head. Worst case scenario I’m working a summer job away from home, but I need to do something offline for my sanity. Preferably something social so I can remind myself even in Ohio, not EVERYONE is horrible. To ’s credit, r/socialskills is a good resource.

I’m currently on a 14-day streak of reading every day

This week I also practiced meditation on 5 days in a row and went running on 1 day

i need to wake up and get out of my mental rut, i keep going back to this video by harper o connor and he quotes what i think is marx about how “theory without practice is sterile,” and to become a person on the left that people look up to and want to emulate.

it reminds me a bit of why hasan piker generally tend to be a figure that people are generally receptive to, because he is a person that by cultural hegemon, most people can find likeable; works out, well spoken, articulate, clean.

i could speak about my ill formulated life and the incoherent structure, but as this is a public forum - i will not allow for viewers to paint with a broad brush and, allow for the embarrassment of my ideological peers.