I feel like I’m def the asshole here, but I dont know. Me and my roommate K, have been roommates along with her two partners, things have gotten really bad between me and K to a point where K would yell at me a lot cause I wasnt doing house chores when I would get depressed or overwealmed. It got to a point where K is now kicking me out and the only thing I got offered was a mutual friends couch in a different city. K says I’m horrible and I’m playing the victim card, and I’ll never get better, and I could of just googled everything ive been trying to go to therpy for it and I focus on clinical stiff to avoid the turth thay I’m just choosing to be a horrible person. I honestly feel like I should jump off this really tall bridge in my city and I keep thinking about it, I doubt anything in my life is gonna improve, the only real thing on my bucket list at this point is trying heroine, and hoping to overdose from it. I just dont want to live anymore, there’s nothing for me. I have a useless IT degree, no friends, no family, I legit have nothing. I have BPD from years on childhood abuse and neglect, I’m autistic too and can’t adapt to living in a world that isnt built for me, ive never done anything of note with my life. I did the math and bridge is definatly high enough to kill me, its also realtively dead at night. I plan just parking my car, emergency flashers, places my ID, keys and a note on the passenger seat and walking uo to the railing and taking one last look over and falling. I might get really high before I do it. I just keep feeling like I will never get out here, no one will ever love me again. I just stare at my phone and there isnt even a single friend I could call that would just listen to me, and hahg out with me and make me feel okay. I have online people but admittly it doesn’t change the material reality I’m in.
Please, don’t jump off the bridge, seriously.
Don’t listen to this, it’s clear that there is something wrong and that you should get professional help, as seen by the BPD. I see this situation as a breakup, you can rebuild from it, even if someone has a fault or no one has it, as it doesn’t matter.
Don’t let this moment dictate what you do with the rest of your life, try to do something to take your mind out of this for a day or two, plan to do something to get out of there and rebuild your life.
I failed everything I tried and I’m here, I stopped caring a long time ago, I just try to live my life these days.
You can do it. Believe in yourself.
Idk, my life has so far been endless suffering, I dont trust anyone anymore. I feel like I’m in a house thats burning down, I’m dead regardless of what I choose
You’re in this situation now, but things change, maybe not in a day or a week, but consistently building (taking care of yourself, getting professional help and keeping doing it) and the situations life gives us changes things. Not flowers and rainbows, but things and how you feel change with time.
Make a tea, do some meditation, like with this youtube channel (I like the videos she makes, maybe it would be good for you too, idk), then try to rebuild a new life for yourself, look for places to move, etc. There’s always something in the horizon, take the focus out of the darkness.
That’s my two cents.