I feel like I’m def the asshole here, but I dont know. Me and my roommate K, have been roommates along with her two partners, things have gotten really bad between me and K to a point where K would yell at me a lot cause I wasnt doing house chores when I would get depressed or overwealmed. It got to a point where K is now kicking me out and the only thing I got offered was a mutual friends couch in a different city. K says I’m horrible and I’m playing the victim card, and I’ll never get better, and I could of just googled everything ive been trying to go to therpy for it and I focus on clinical stiff to avoid the turth thay I’m just choosing to be a horrible person. I honestly feel like I should jump off this really tall bridge in my city and I keep thinking about it, I doubt anything in my life is gonna improve, the only real thing on my bucket list at this point is trying heroine, and hoping to overdose from it. I just dont want to live anymore, there’s nothing for me. I have a useless IT degree, no friends, no family, I legit have nothing. I have BPD from years on childhood abuse and neglect, I’m autistic too and can’t adapt to living in a world that isnt built for me, ive never done anything of note with my life. I did the math and bridge is definatly high enough to kill me, its also realtively dead at night. I plan just parking my car, emergency flashers, places my ID, keys and a note on the passenger seat and walking uo to the railing and taking one last look over and falling. I might get really high before I do it. I just keep feeling like I will never get out here, no one will ever love me again. I just stare at my phone and there isnt even a single friend I could call that would just listen to me, and hahg out with me and make me feel okay. I have online people but admittly it doesn’t change the material reality I’m in.
I’m not the suicidal type, so I won’t pretend to know the dread you’re dealing with. That being said, to me, rock bottom is less of a temptation to leave, but a temptation to change drastically. You could absolutely just jump off a bridge, but afterward there’s no other choice to make, no change is possible. Instead, why not take the chance to do literally anything else? Try living in a forest. Try breaking into buildings. Try walking to a warmer climate. Try to start a cult. Try being a vigilante. Try being a criminal. If it doesn’t work out, or it’s not fun, try something different. Worst case scenario, you can always kill yourself later, once you’ve tried all the interesting ideas you could muster.
Life always ends in death anyway, no point in rushing into it before you’ve experienced as many unique things as possible.