I’m in my early thirties and adamantly childfree. I’m lucky enough to be in a long-term relationship with someone who brought up her desire to be childfree on more or less our first date. But I am not having too much luck with my friends from childhood and university - they all seem to be wanting kids, and learning of their pregnancies leaves me with a feeling of sadness. I don’t hate kids and think no one should have them, and I am happy for them if they truly wanted this, but I also know what them having kids will mean - we are essentially putting our friendship on hiatus, and I still don’t know whether waiting 10 years for the kids to be a bit more independent and not requiring as much attention will mean I suddenly have friends again, but somehow I very much doubt it. And I also don’t want 10 years without other friends than my girlfriend. She is in very much the same situation, and while we are good at making the best out of not having kids and stressing about having them, we both would want to be able to hang out with good friends once in a while, both common between us, but also some that are exclusive to each of us.
My assumption is that this is quite common - so I am hoping someone would like to share some success stories in turning this situation around. :)
If you’re a good enough friend you’d practically develop an uncle like role to your friend’s kids. I think you’re thinking too hard about it.
That uncle role is not something I am looking for, though. I am after adult relationships, and it is the loss of these I am saddened about. For the record, I do not blame neither the parents or especially their kids for this change. They do not owe me a continued adult relationship for our entire lives. It is completely up to them to pursue this life, and as I said, I am happy for them as long as this is what they really wanted, and I agree that their kids should be their priorities once they have had them. But so far, in my experience, the kind of relationship becomes completely different. For instance, my girlfriend and I were invited over for dinner to one of my close friends from my twenties, his wife and their two kids. After we left, we were both left with a feeling that we hadn’t talked with them at all - we were interrupted constantly by their kids seeking their parents attention. Some parents handle this better - I know others who are better at setting boundaries for their kids and teaching them to not interrupt and wait for their turn, but the interactions with them are still very different - their lives almost entirely revolves around their kids. I was once involuntarily part of a conversation regarding the color and viscosity of kid’s shit.
When I reread my original post, I realize it could be interpreted like I want to somehow get things back to how they were before. I know they won’t be, and it’s not what I meant. I was simply after real stories (i.e. not imagined solutions) of how people in a similar situation, having experienced a similar loss of close friendships, ended up with either new, great friends with a similar outlook on life or anything else that improved that part of their life.
I’m sorry to tell you, the real solutions to keeping friends after they have kids are what you’ve said you don’t want. So, for you, it looks like you’ve already decided you don’t want to be friends with people who have kids. That leaves you with a much smaller pool of people and in an age bracket where it’s much more difficult to meet people.
Maybe try finding hobbies that don’t have kids in them.
Indeed. Your friends will hopefully have family or other friends who can be on sitter duty. What’s important is you don’t disappear just because they’ve got kids.
Stick the kids birthdays in your calendar. Set reminders. Get the kids gifts. Be that uncle.
Across my family and friend group, I’m an uncle to 10 kids and I’m all of their favourite as I’m the cool uncle (it’s amazing what Lego can do for favour).
And with that, I still see my friends all the time. We don’t get blackout drunk but I see that as an age thing rather than because they’ve got kids. And because the kids know me, my partner and I are invited over to everyone’s places regularly; kids are in bed by 7 and then we get to hang for the evening.
Additionally, if you want to be the best friend you can, when a friend has just had a kid, pop over with some cooked meals (some ready and some for the freezer), being disposable cutlery and plates, and some empty trash bags, and feed your friends. Bundle the trash into the bags and take it with you. You have no idea how much a meal and no waking up after will mean to two very tired friends.
I do it every time. I aim for around a week of meals if I can (chili, curry, soup, all freezes well and easy to make loads of).
There will be a day when the kids are self sufficient and your friends will be wanting to be far more social again but if you can’t be a friend in the mean time, they won’t be knocking on your door afterwards.
Being child free is a personal choice. It’s also a choice to support those who want to have children. In my opinion, it’s the best of all worlds. I have my friends, I have no kids, but I also have a positive impact on my friends’ kids’ lives (coding, maths, science, music). It’s pretty nice.
One of those kids bought my partner and I massive German beer glasses (my partner is German) and we drink out of them daily. Kid used their own pocket money too. It’s a nice feeling knowing my world and friend group continues to grow as I age, rather than shrink.
Thanks for sharing your experience. It seems you have found a sweet spot that works well for your life, and you sound like a good friend. I get the impression that you enjoy a kid’s company far more than I do, though. I generally get exhausted around them and the stressful lives their parents lead, and I don’t actually want to be a part of this. Which is a me-problem, I know. I fully agree with you when you say that they will probably not be knocking on my door when they are ready to be social again, but it sounds like a very one-sided effort to maintain a friendship in the meantime. My friends mostly move out of the city back to where they grew up as well, so just popping over with a meal is not always possible. I have myself moved elsewhere for work now, partly because the number of friends still staying in the city I lived in before had greatly diminished.
I used to go on mountain hikes with my best friend from my childhood once a year (we’ve already lived in different cities for a long time, so we haven’t really been hanging out for many years), but he’s awaiting twins anytime now, so it’s going to be at least some years before it will be possible for him to even consider spending any vacation days on such a trip. I used to have yearly cabin trips with friends from university until they got all got kids approximately at the same time (during COVID). They now go on kid-friendly family vacations together. I used to frequent restaurants with a fellow foodie. We sometimes still do, but it’s gone from maybe once a month to once every two years. It is these kinds of relationships that I miss.