Hello friends, I read everything and thought about it and acted on it, and wanted to comment the resolution.

First, thank you all SO much for your care and advice! 🩵🏳️‍⚧️

I made a folder to drag the old pictures into, but I was still having trouble on the emotional side when I tried actually doing it. I talked to my partner about the struggle, and she offered to save then delete them for me, and then to go in and untag anything with my face. I gratefully accepted, and she did it. Problem solved (with help and extra steps)

Thank you all, wonderful humans!

I started with the most intensely femme name I could think of, but after a couple of weeks it started to feel a bit off and too youthful to reflect how I feel. I realized that I couldn’t picture me using it in most contexts, it was just giving me euphoria because it was a feminine name, so I went back to the drawing board to find something that is more “me”.

I then proceeded to draw a blank. So I started repeatedly refreshing a random name generator with my wife. Eventually I heard something that sounded almost right to my ears. I changed a letter, amd it felt good! Then I realized I’d only ever seen the name on a pokemon game.

That sealed the deal for me, a name that sounds close enough to a common name to not stand out, but isn’t common, and is a callback to geek heritage. That’s a fit for me, and it passed my vibe check, so I kept it.

Now I just need to get my inner monologue to start using it. Its been months and my brain keeps deadnaming me =(

And I still want to figure out a middle name. I am sure as shit not keeping mine, but I want to choose something with more personal meaning, instead of just nice vibes. Unfortunately, I am still drawing a blank there, but it’ll come to me eventually. I feel it =)

I realized I was absolutely trans under a month ago. From the different stories that everyone tells, everyone’s experience is different. I’ll share a few things that were meaningful to me and how I ended up personally realizing I am trans, but everyone is genuinely a unique person with their own path to find.

For a couple of wonderful general statements that I read elsewhere (recommend the gender dysphoria bible in the sidebar):

People who are completely 100% cis don’t usually worry about the idea that they might not be 100% cis. If the idea keeps sticking in your head, it is worth exploring it further.

Being a woman or a man or neither or both or anywhere on any gender spectrum does not require you to do anything. You can be a trans woman, or trans femme enby person, or anything, recognize it, and then do nothing. Sure, it is common for that recognition to spark a desire to change something, but you never have to, and NO step or change is required to be who you are. Try to take the worry over “what it means” out of your analysis, and just ask yourself what feels right. “What it means” is a much longer-term thing to sort through over time, and will likely change over time just like everyone does.

For me, the things that finally tipped me over the edge of realizing my transness about myself were:

1. The idea that the only meaningful way to identify your gender is completely internal. I was wishing I was a woman extremely often, but thought I couldn’t be one because I kept viewing gender as an externally-definable thing, and the limited other trans/female narratives that I had heard were things that I personally had not experienced in my life yet. But it isn’t about fitting an external definition of being “trams” or “woman”. The external definition is meaningless. The ONLY meaningful way to define your gender is to feel inside yourself, not looking at a list of what makes someone trans.
2. Eventually I realized that constantly wishing I was a woman IS gender dysphoria, and that I could choose to define myself differently, if I wanted to. That really opened my brain up a crack to the idea. After that…
3. I read about the null hypotheCis. Taking a step back and weighing the ideas of “I am trans” and “I am cis” with equal possibility, instead of assuming cis was a default and being trans required me to find solid proof. As soon as I tried a thought experiment of flipping it entirely around, to mentally try to find the evidence to prove to myself that I was cis, the whole thing collapsed and I knew that I am not.

Hopefully one of the journeys the community has posted about here will give you a place to start digging at the question until you feel comfortable with your answer. Also, basically everything I said above came from the gender dysphoria bible, so reading that and seeing if it resonates with something inside might be a good place to look - took me a couple of hours ish to read. Best of luck out there, stranger!