‘Struggle with generosity’ is to greed, like ‘died as a result of an officer involved shooting’ is to murder.

This isn’t any sort of real explanation of anything. It’s just someone’s opinion. They call her an “expert”. She’s a certified financial planner with no formal schooling or training. She passed a test and runs a company where she advises people who have suddenly come into a lot of money. That’s her only expertise. She has no background in psychology or any information beyond “it rings true” to back up her statements.

There was a program many years back that discussed this issue. It showed two kids, young girls, one was fairly well off and had all the things you’d expect a young girl to have and some to spare. The other was a young girl living in an impoverished nation and had a very poor family. Think tin roof on adobe walls kind of poor. She had a single stuffed animal that was in dubious shape handed down from child to child. The well-off girl had a small army of stuffed animals.

Point of the segment in the program was how difficult it was for the well off girl to share anything and how possessive she was for her material things, whereas the little girl that had very few things was willing to share her one stuffed animal quite willingly.

Wish I could remember the show. But it demonstrated quite handily that even at a young age people who had more, wanted more, and were unwilling to part with even small things vs the people who had very little.

I think the answer is simply “people who have more money pay more attention to their finances in general”. I mean, people who don’t pay attention to how they’re spending money tend to not stay rich, even when they have a high paying job. But then again, is there any actual evidence that the premise is true? Or is it just a bias that people take more notice when a rich friend asks to pay them back?

As someone whose situation in life has flipped (not ever really that rich, just had family that was worse off) and has suffered it, I can confirm that:

“They don’t want to be taken advantage of or to feel like, ‘I have money and that’s why people hang out with me,’” Bradley says. “It feels very invalidating.”

Because it is true. The more money you have in a situation attracts the sort of people who just want the benefits of it, and if you are generous like my parents were, those sort of people will be the ones who will have no problem becoming stingy and refuse to help them out afterwards without a dollar sign. They’ve been trained to live off of you and they will still continue to expect to do so even as so far as to believe you are lying while they become the stingiest.

What this article gets wrong is that it isn’t because they value money transactions more, it’s that they attract the sort of people who only value them for it. Plus, it also skews your own development as a person because if they come the norm in your surrounding, it fosters an environment of making you a mark.

They do not have the same life experience as you, and you may very well be part of the problem is paying your fair share when you are with someone you consider wealthy (even when they tell you they are no longer doing that good or simply seems more bothered by it) offends you.

Friend making $450k as a software engineer

I’m a software developer. If I just start calling myself an engineer, can I have 450k?

I feel like I’m the exact opposite of what this article proposed however the entire thing confuses me.

I’m not rich but relatively well off, and, without doubt in the best financial position of my immediate group of friends.

If I happen to be the one that picks up the bill I often have people chasing me to pay me. I actually think that is a problem because they feel obliged to do the right thing, however I’m unmotivated because I don’t care about the outcome – I don’t need the money. This is my fault and I feel poorly for it but the reality is that after I’ve had a nice evening I don’t really care. In terms of the debt: honestly I probably wouldn’t bother asking.

The very concept of asking someone for 4 bucks seems abhorrent to me. To be clear, I say this personally; I’m not struggling to pay rent/mortgage/utilities/whatever. If you’re in a position where those are concerns then please absolutely follow up.

Chasing a $4 debt won’t make you rich, ever. Even if you do it all the time. Anyone well off chasing this kind of cash is deluding themselves.

Generally speaking my friends and I operate over a long term fairness principle. “Bob got the last round, I’ll get the next”; they won’t be even but our assumption is that it’ll balance in the long term. That applies to more than just the pub.

My SO worked for a very rich man, and in some ways he was generous, inviting me along to events for example, or paying a heft year end bonus to his staff, and he spared no expense on his business. I halfway like him. But also he just wouldn’t pay very well, and at a dinner for his high end wealthy club members who give him a lot of money for his products, gave a speech complaining bitterly about the downturn in his industry. I was embarrassed for him, I mean inflation is hard on most people and we’re mostly all cutting way back, but he seems to have that millionaire narcissism where he is not in touch with the reality of those with less. A few dollars raise and some better behaviour to his staff and he’d likely have kept most of them on, but they move on a lot.

We brought him a cake for his birthday once because we’re like that and he barely said thank you.

It is amazing how rich people deal with non-rich people. I managed to climb from poor to reasonable well off, but I cannot understand people who earn many times the money I get to be assholes over small money.

Last week, I took a student that I want to “groom” to work in our development department to an electronics fair. Train, hotel, and ticket were paid for by the company, but the deal was that he has to pay for anything else by himself. Eating out and other expenses are still quite some money for a student, so I paid for his meals out of my own pocket and told him that one time in the future, when he will be the one guiding a student through the same situation, he should do as I did.

One of the many reasons that I don’t have venmo or any other form of transfer app is so people can’t send me some nominal sum of money.

I’m not rich, but definitely one of the higher earners at my job. I don’t want some person making less than half what I do worrying about a slice of pizza or a cup of coffee.

To note: This is also not something I gloat over or continuously remind people of or any such thing. I’m just happy to have the resources to be able to bring the smallest smidgen of “make your day a little less shitty”

I’m glad that’s never happened to me. They wouldn’t be my friend anymore.

Or they’re Dutch. Seriously we’ll send you a venmo (tikkie) for 3 cents.

I had to read a bit to understand what this meant because I didn’t know what venmo was, but I have seen people change from being weirdly generous to making more money and fairly quickly becoming irritatingly stingy to the point of nitpicking the rounding when pennies were discontinued.

People don’t usually get rich by giving money away or being bad at finances. Why is a wealthy person obliged to not ask you to pay back your share?

I’m by no means rich but I’m probably the wealthies of all my friends yet I live in a tiny house, drive a 15 year old truck and shop groceries at a discount. I’m extremely frugal and you can be sure I expect you to pay me back.

The key is to never go out and stay in the basement.

Then you wouldn’t have to split that appetizer from TGI fridays with your friend because you never met them.