This will probably be slightly long for context. I am in a long term relationship with my girlfriend of about 4 years now. Relationahip wise everything is going amazing, aside from sex. We didnt start having sex until around 2 years into our relationship as I helped her get over bad trauma from a religious upbringing, and even then barely as she stil is not over it fully. It was great the first times, then she got on antidepressanta which killed her libido for about a year until she got off them, and her libido kinda never returned, according to her; at best we have sex 2 times a month, usually once, and every time its great (although we have a long way to go we both quite suck at it lmao), she says she’s demisexual because of all the external stress and undiagnosed likely chronic pain she currently has, and I’m trying every day to help her through it to feel better, and during sex I always do my best to make her feel good about her body etc, and I have helped her, just feels like not enough and I wish I could do more.

Compared to me, I’m horny pretty much all the time, and no matter how much I get off by myself, doesnt fix the issue, it’s just much better to see my partner enjoy herself as that gets me going, so getting off by myself works but it’s very very mid, so combined with her current libido this ends up at me asking if we have sex today, getting rejected and she feels bad cause shes not up to it, then I have to tell her to not feel bad cause she’s still depressed and in pain etc also its her autonomy and consent too and such, though on a personal level I cant help but feel like an asshole because no matter how much I handle this, then still I’m hyperhorny and it just feels annoying to the point I wish I could control it at the switch of a button and only make it appear when she’s also turned on lol, I dont want to be a narcissistic piece of shit and I’ve heard plenty of people manage relationships with differing libidos, hell ofc I’d still love her a lot even if she went volcel, but 50% of the time she wants to have sex with me there just isnt that drive, while 50% she doesnt; I have no clue how to help her with that and she doesnt either she kinda made peace with it, and combined with our current external situation, we’ve been barely intimate and I can tell it’s been taking a toll in that regard, idk wish I had a ‘plan’, but I’m slightly very horny all the time but also have my own sexual trauma so im not exactly an example lmao

Would appreciate any outside POV, I’m quite prudish about this but it will help me a lot and obviously feel free to criticize any brainworms you spotted, thank you a lot comrades

  • transbyanism [they/them, comrade/them]@hexbear.netOPEnglish
    3·
    10 days ago
    spoiler

    Thank you for your reply!

    Generally, you feel broken and it feels like a key component of your life has been stolen from you

    She has described feeling like this related to her sexuality, and she said that’s why her genitals don’t “work properly”

    I discussed an open relationship with my partner and personally, the idea made me want to vomit

    Yea we’re both also monogamous, which I see is quite rare here lol

    we have had regular sex about every other day for many years after nearly a decade of almost nothing and I love how close we can be now

    Wow that’s a lot of progress, sounds wonderful! I just feel bad cause maybe she’s on the ace spectrum and we don’t know and I don’t want to push her on this tbh, I know people can become ace after traumatic events, she isn’t ace though like she enjoys, after a lot of struggle, some degree of sex with me that feels safe, but very rare to the point she has no libido

    Open communication and a backup plan for helping her with PTSD after talking about it is a good idea (I liked ice cream or something chewy). Its something that has to be talked about and it really pays dividends to understand how badly someone can take the conversation.

    I’ll keep that in mind, thank you!

    It’s also a good idea to get involved in sexual PTSD support groups, they can provide advice and tricks to get around specific issues.

    Highly doubt we have that, we’re in a very prude-ish country that doesn’t speak publicly of remotely anything sexual lol

    She has tried a dildo, to no avail, she said it was only painful; she used to drink slightly, not anymore, and alcohol was one thing that helped her have a libido and not be an anxious mess regarding it, but I told her it’s a bad panacea in this situation, plus now she isn’t allowed medically to drink; we have not tried weed and don’t have experience with it