This will probably be slightly long for context. I am in a long term relationship with my girlfriend of about 4 years now. Relationahip wise everything is going amazing, aside from sex. We didnt start having sex until around 2 years into our relationship as I helped her get over bad trauma from a religious upbringing, and even then barely as she stil is not over it fully. It was great the first times, then she got on antidepressanta which killed her libido for about a year until she got off them, and her libido kinda never returned, according to her; at best we have sex 2 times a month, usually once, and every time its great (although we have a long way to go we both quite suck at it lmao), she says she’s demisexual because of all the external stress and undiagnosed likely chronic pain she currently has, and I’m trying every day to help her through it to feel better, and during sex I always do my best to make her feel good about her body etc, and I have helped her, just feels like not enough and I wish I could do more.
Compared to me, I’m horny pretty much all the time, and no matter how much I get off by myself, doesnt fix the issue, it’s just much better to see my partner enjoy herself as that gets me going, so getting off by myself works but it’s very very mid, so combined with her current libido this ends up at me asking if we have sex today, getting rejected and she feels bad cause shes not up to it, then I have to tell her to not feel bad cause she’s still depressed and in pain etc also its her autonomy and consent too and such, though on a personal level I cant help but feel like an asshole because no matter how much I handle this, then still I’m hyperhorny and it just feels annoying to the point I wish I could control it at the switch of a button and only make it appear when she’s also turned on lol, I dont want to be a narcissistic piece of shit and I’ve heard plenty of people manage relationships with differing libidos, hell ofc I’d still love her a lot even if she went volcel, but 50% of the time she wants to have sex with me there just isnt that drive, while 50% she doesnt; I have no clue how to help her with that and she doesnt either she kinda made peace with it, and combined with our current external situation, we’ve been barely intimate and I can tell it’s been taking a toll in that regard, idk wish I had a ‘plan’, but I’m slightly very horny all the time but also have my own sexual trauma so im not exactly an example lmao
Would appreciate any outside POV, I’m quite prudish about this but it will help me a lot and obviously feel free to criticize any brainworms you spotted, thank you a lot comrades
I can’t speak about sexual trauma, but I have a lot to say about people’s natural sex drive. it can vary wildly between different people but also in the same person in different circumstances. it’s especially influenced by hormone levels which can affect trans people in different ways. I’ve gone through a few different dosages which have made me feel the entire range of “am I asexual?” to “can’t get through a work day without touching myself”. in this case, “mind over matter” won’t help you, hormones just hold far too much sway and you can’t consciously overwrite them. however, if you are willing to experiment with your hormone levels, you can probably find something that works out for both of you. assuming transfem, you can try progesterone (this fixed me), varying E levels, or I’ve heard really good things about topical T gel.
She’s not transfem, though she has hormone issues like thyrroid issues, which I have no idea if they impact this, and also has E issues
Cis people can take hormones too if they want to
One thing that hasn’t been mentioned is ranges of physical affection.
Does she still like kissing, making out, active cuddling with you? It’s possible that feeling the pressure to have sex a lot of the time makes it feel like a chore, or it might end up feeling like it has to be sex or nothing. I had a relationship like this once and at a certain point the various rungs on the ladder fell out and I couldn’t even rest on those, despite being as desperate for them as I was for the top. What are the vibes like on all the in-betweens?
We kiss and cuddle a lot and it’s very enjoyable for the both of us, no issues there, making out not so much, mostly as foreplay sometimes; A few years ago she described what you are saying here, that she felt pressured, but as of late she told me that’s not the case and genuienly enjoys the sex, just that her libido is basically once in a blue moon because hormonal issues and undiagnosed likely chronic pain, from what we can gather at least
That’s a relatively good outlook then, compared to what it could be.
I have extremely intimate knowledge of this subject from the other side.
sexual trauma
This is something I would be very careful talking with her about. I’ve had really bad sexual trauma personally and this is something that genuinely takes forever to “get over” and make progress on. Think 7+ years minimum with an extremely supportive partner. Generally, you feel broken and it feels like a key component of your life has been stolen from you. I discussed an open relationship with my partner and personally, the idea made me want to vomit. It felt like my abuser was stealing something from me again, and I was worried that I was going to lose my soulmate and my sanity over it. Ultimately, patience won out for us (we have had regular sex about every other day for many years after nearly a decade of almost nothing and I love how close we can be now) but I get that it may not be possible in your situation. Open communication and a backup plan for helping her with PTSD after talking about it is a good idea (I liked ice cream or something chewy). Its something that has to be talked about and it really pays dividends to understand how badly someone can take the conversation.
It’s also a good idea to get involved in sexual PTSD support groups, they can provide advice and tricks to get around specific issues.
In terms of practical sexual advice, I had a lot of things work for me, though my PTSD is from extreme sexual violence inflicted on me by a very violent man. I found dildos that are very ‘foreign’ feeling (e.g. metal and glass) were very helpful and reduced the possibility of aggravating nerves in my colon. Silicone based lubes have more staying power and reduce the possibility for things drying out and feeling ‘raw’ which is where the majority of my PTSD stemmed from. I found my partner eating my ass / me out to be helpful, because its very centered on my pleasure which is not something the man who caused my PTSD was concerned about. Weed helps a lot with increasing libido, reducing sex anxiety, and calming PTSD, but you need to be careful and not overdo it.
If you have any questions don’t hesitate to ask!
spoiler
Thank you for your reply!
Generally, you feel broken and it feels like a key component of your life has been stolen from you
She has described feeling like this related to her sexuality, and she said that’s why her genitals don’t “work properly”
I discussed an open relationship with my partner and personally, the idea made me want to vomit
Yea we’re both also monogamous, which I see is quite rare here lol
we have had regular sex about every other day for many years after nearly a decade of almost nothing and I love how close we can be now
Wow that’s a lot of progress, sounds wonderful! I just feel bad cause maybe she’s on the ace spectrum and we don’t know and I don’t want to push her on this tbh, I know people can become ace after traumatic events, she isn’t ace though like she enjoys, after a lot of struggle, some degree of sex with me that feels safe, but very rare to the point she has no libido
Open communication and a backup plan for helping her with PTSD after talking about it is a good idea (I liked ice cream or something chewy). Its something that has to be talked about and it really pays dividends to understand how badly someone can take the conversation.
I’ll keep that in mind, thank you!
It’s also a good idea to get involved in sexual PTSD support groups, they can provide advice and tricks to get around specific issues.
Highly doubt we have that, we’re in a very prude-ish country that doesn’t speak publicly of remotely anything sexual lol
She has tried a dildo, to no avail, she said it was only painful; she used to drink slightly, not anymore, and alcohol was one thing that helped her have a libido and not be an anxious mess regarding it, but I told her it’s a bad panacea in this situation, plus now she isn’t allowed medically to drink; we have not tried weed and don’t have experience with it
Ngl, this is a large portion of the reason why I have a polycule/open marriage. My wife’s libido is practically non-existent, but our relationship beyond sex is so powerful and immutable that it doesn’t matter to us. About a decade ago, I approached her with the idea and she was receptive about it. Ever since then, I’ve been the center of the polycule and she actually really likes it. In fact, she asked me when I’m going to add a friend I recently had come into my orbit to the group of “introverts” I’m “collecting.”
That aside, this is NOT for everyone. If your girlfriend is prone to jealousy, this is a VERY POOR IDEA. Not inly that, but she absolutely has to be receptive to the idea.
Failing the aforementioned, you two will absolutely need to sit down and have a serious talk. Mismatched libidos can and have destroyed relationships. You two WILL need to get on the same page one way or the other. Cause, ultimately, it’ll eat away at the individual with the more active libido and/or make the individual with the less active libido feel guilty.
We’re not possessive of each other, that’s very much residue of property relations imo; though we’re both willingly monogamous so this wouldn’t really work. We already talked about this plenty of times, just that we’re always in such a fucked environment it’s hard to actually improve in this regard
Really hard to say where to go next from this. You two might need a sex therapist then. I, unfortunately, can’t help beyond this. I wish you two the best of luck and hope you folks find a solution that works for the both of you.
Thank you!
To provide a different perspective from previous commenters, maybe monogamy is your bag.
Focusing some of your pent up energy on helping your girlfriend improve her health might be a good idea. My wife and I went through a long patch of mismatched libidos. We put a lot of effort into finding relief for my health issues, and it’s alleviated a huge amount of the pain that had been causing my libido to be more or less nonexistent.
I think a huge amount of the historical stereotypes that women “don’t like sex” or “always have a headache” is because a disproportionately large percentage of women have chronic pain, inflammation, stress, and trauma which suppress libido.
Yep we’re only monogamous; I wish I could help her more than I already do, but I am clueless… she has an immense list of issues that keep getting worse, and all doctors say she’s perfectly fine or dismiss her on the grounds she’s ‘insane’ (literally heard this one :/). We are 99% sure it’s Long Covid, and of course no medical professional even thinks of it, she has went to a lot of doctors for the past year, but to no avail
If the problem with healthcare in your country is dismissive doctors rather than high cost of care, seeing specialists for individual symptoms (and withholding or not volunteering information) can be extremely helpful. Sometimes you have to just game the system to get real care when impeded by egotistical providers or malicious insurers.
For example if inflammation is a problem, seeing a rheumatologist and only telling them about the inflammation can get that doctor to help manage that symptom, where they might be dismissive if you told them about the impact on libido or that you suspect post-Covid sequelae (long covid).
I have a lot of personal experience in the chronic pain/inflammation/trauma realm. If you feel comfortable sharing a list of symptoms, I would be happy to provide some specific suggestions on how to request treatment that might help your girlfriend.
Sure, I’ll dm you! Thank you a lot!
We put a lot of effort into finding relief for my health issues, and it’s alleviated a huge amount of the pain that had been causing my libido to be more or less nonexistent.
Weed gang
Weed has been pretty helpful for self-medicating, but didn’t help with libido.
I’m now on esketamine and tirzepatide and I’m shocked by how quickly inflammation seems to be calming down. My knees don’t instantly hurt the moment I put any load at all on them, wow!
Interesting, do you have arthritis or something? A friend might be helped by this 🤔
Do you smoke weed? Edibles seem to do it for me libido wise, maybe it’s something about the specific variety of weed
I don’t. I have ME/CFS and Fibromyalgia, but this should also work for arthritis.
Glp-1 drugs have an incredibly powerful anti-inflammatory effect, even before any potential weight loss begins.
The goal of esketamine treatment is to essentially constantly have a micro dose in your system supported by weekly regular doses, and while it’s typically prescribed for treatment resistant depression or PTSD, it also has powerful effects on things like migraines, chronic pain, neuropathy…
I’m a month into esketamine and 2 weeks into tirzepatide. I haven’t had a migraine in about 2 weeks, and basic acetominophen now actually fixes my headaches instead of doing nothing. I don’t tap my feet as much, and my legs aren’t so restless in bed. I can stand up and walk around without instant pain. I can even kneel without it being a week-ruining event.
I have a dry flower vape (SuB Volcano) and edibles and neither one seems to impact my libido too strongly, at least not to the level that it does for my wife.
Interesting 🤔 I do sometimes think a lot of disabilities have an underlying genetic component that alters reactions to drugs and sickness. I’d even bet most persistent genetic diseases are some hidden code to survive an ancient, deadly pathogen. A lot of science lately has been finding weird little quirks like this.
I feel like almost all of my personal problems are well targeted by cannabis but nothing else really.
There seems to be a lot of not yet understood interaction between the brain and the rest of the body.
The apparent mechanism of action for (es)ketamine is being an NDMA glutamate receptor antagonist, which allows for more glutamate release in your brain that signals other stuff to cause rapid synapse growth restoring brain pathways.
But it also increases the rate of cleanup in the glymphatic system of the brain, which is dysfunctional in people with depression and some other disorders. The glymphatic system is one of the brain’s cleanup systems and it’s supposed to flush out CRGP, the protein that’s associated with causing migraines, and esketamine can improve the ability of this system to flush out this and other chemicals.
I’ll join the other users about non-monogamy, I had an experience similar to yours and when we broke up (for unrelated reasons) that is one of the things that made me consider fully open relationships.
My approach is to refuse labelling, to consider every relationship as unique in what we might and might not do together. I give genuine affection and care to anybody, and I accept that infatuation and desire are very often be asymmetrical and that this is why everyone should be close to more than one person.
Of course it is not a simple recipe to emotional and sexual fulfillment, relationships will always be complex and involve frustration. All I can say is : it is not worse than any problem I and everybody else often face in closed relationships, except I feel a lot more alive because the solution in monogamous relationships is often tied to repressing your desires while open relationships push you to explore them
Have you floated the idea of an open relationship? You could satisfy yourself sexually with other people while maintaining your relationship with your girlfriend. It requires a lot of communication and trust, but judging from this post, I doubt that’s much of an issue.
It’s not for us, we’re rather monogamous; ty!
