I get where they’re coming from, but it’s still not great being a guy and only getting vague signals that you’re trying to piece together. Ghosting is also another issue that’s honestly just disrespectful.
While it may ultimately be those man children who ruin it for everyone, some upfront honesty is generally very appreciated.
If a woman gives me vague signals it’s a sign that she’s not right for me. Everything other than a “hell yes” is a no. Which is fine, I’m okay with being alone. But I’m not going to chase someone who hints that they’re into me, because I’m too damn old for that shit.
No, it’s not. If I’m talking to someone and they look disinterested, that’s not a “hell yes.” If they’re standing there while their four-top is waiting on refills, that’s not a “hell yes.”
A “hell yes” is them asking me questions, or sharing a relatable story. It’s them smiling and looking at me when I talk. A “hell yes” is me asking “would you like to talk alone” and her saying “hell yes.”
Get used to being alone. Learn to love its freedom and spontaneity, and then find someone who’s better than that who says “hell yes.”
I think there’s three main reasons for vague signals.
They legitimately don’t know how they feel. Maybe they kind of like you but aren’t sure. Recommended: do not pursue. Find someone who is enthusiastic about you. Do you really want to spend your time with someone who can’t make decisions and doesn’t know how they feel? It’s exhausting.
They are afraid or uncomfortable, and are trying to avoid upsetting you. Like the comic. Enough men will do just that or worse if they get rejected that being polite can seem safer, even if it makes me man feel like he’s getting mixed signals. You know you’re not like that, but they don’t. Recommended: same as above.
2b. You are talking to someone who can’t leave like a retail worker. Stop bothering the person who can’t tell you to fuck off.
They aren’t thinking about you at all. Like one time they’re happy to go bowling with you but the next time they blow you off on biking. What gives?? Mixed signals?? Nah dude she just likes bowling.
Love this. Especially 2b. I hated this about working in a cafe.
I’m only talking to you at all because I’m being paid to do so. I’m only smiling because my job is customer service. I’m being nice because you’re a fellow human, not because I want you in any way
There’s also a sort of 1b. They’re into you but are playing games like “hard to get.” Again, do you really want to be with someone playing games with you? It’s exhausting.
I didn’t intend to be dismissive and if my response sounded that way then I apologise.
I agree it’s difficult to be on the receiving end of vague signals, but my perspective is if there’s any annoyance or frustration it should be directed at the violent/angry men who have caused women to feel unsafe.
Helping women feel safer by tackling the violence and misogyny directed at them by men will benefit everyone.
Ghosting is also another issue that’s honestly just disrespectful.
While that can be annoying, if somebody’s ghosting you, that’s just a signal to move on, yeah? You probably don’t want a relationship with somebody who can’t communicate, anyway.
It’s a shitty signal because it is just not replying to you and not a specific signal on its own. Could be for a bunch of reasons so you’ll have to guess that they’re ghosting you. It takes a while and even then you might not be sure.
It could be that you are busy, had some issues, many other reasons. The whole point of a clear signal is that it’s easy to understand and with as little room for misunderstanding, which ghosting is obviously not. If you want to ghost someone, by all means, but it’s def not a clear or direct signal.
Not to mention, I thought the whole point was that you don’t have to be direct and clear about it and hence won’t have to face the possible backlash.
Your need for “closure” or whatever doesn’t matter.
I’m not sure what you mean by this. I didn’t think my “needs” were a subject of the discussion lol
I get where they’re coming from, but it’s still not great being a guy and only getting vague signals that you’re trying to piece together. Ghosting is also another issue that’s honestly just disrespectful.
While it may ultimately be those man children who ruin it for everyone, some upfront honesty is generally very appreciated.
If a woman gives me vague signals it’s a sign that she’s not right for me. Everything other than a “hell yes” is a no. Which is fine, I’m okay with being alone. But I’m not going to chase someone who hints that they’re into me, because I’m too damn old for that shit.
This must be said more frequently. This is the correct attitude. You may be alone longer, but you haven’t terrorized anybody. It’s a net win.
I feel like signals of interest are being conflated with Consent/approval of a date here
No, it’s not. If I’m talking to someone and they look disinterested, that’s not a “hell yes.” If they’re standing there while their four-top is waiting on refills, that’s not a “hell yes.”
A “hell yes” is them asking me questions, or sharing a relatable story. It’s them smiling and looking at me when I talk. A “hell yes” is me asking “would you like to talk alone” and her saying “hell yes.”
Get used to being alone. Learn to love its freedom and spontaneity, and then find someone who’s better than that who says “hell yes.”
While it might feel rough for you, it’s worth remembering that a lot of women have faced very real threats of violence for their upfront honesty.
If you’re only getting vague signals then maybe that’s the sign that she’s not fully into you.
I feel like this is very dismissive and also ignores that lots of relationships do inevitably start with vague signals.
“Yeah, well, women have it worse so your feelings are irrelevant and it’s okay if they ghost you.”
As I said in my original comment, I get it. But it doesn’t take away from the fact that it’s a difficult situation for men.
Being dismissive of men’s feelings and not letting them talk about how dating is difficult for them isn’t helping anyone.
I think there’s three main reasons for vague signals.
They legitimately don’t know how they feel. Maybe they kind of like you but aren’t sure. Recommended: do not pursue. Find someone who is enthusiastic about you. Do you really want to spend your time with someone who can’t make decisions and doesn’t know how they feel? It’s exhausting.
They are afraid or uncomfortable, and are trying to avoid upsetting you. Like the comic. Enough men will do just that or worse if they get rejected that being polite can seem safer, even if it makes me man feel like he’s getting mixed signals. You know you’re not like that, but they don’t. Recommended: same as above.
2b. You are talking to someone who can’t leave like a retail worker. Stop bothering the person who can’t tell you to fuck off.
Love this. Especially 2b. I hated this about working in a cafe.
I’m only talking to you at all because I’m being paid to do so. I’m only smiling because my job is customer service. I’m being nice because you’re a fellow human, not because I want you in any way
That in many cases smiling is mandatory is a revolting part of customer service in the US.
There’s also a sort of 1b. They’re into you but are playing games like “hard to get.” Again, do you really want to be with someone playing games with you? It’s exhausting.
I didn’t intend to be dismissive and if my response sounded that way then I apologise.
I agree it’s difficult to be on the receiving end of vague signals, but my perspective is if there’s any annoyance or frustration it should be directed at the violent/angry men who have caused women to feel unsafe.
Helping women feel safer by tackling the violence and misogyny directed at them by men will benefit everyone.
The main thing for me is to remember it’s not personal. When a stranger treats me as a potential threat, it is not an insult to my character.
Being treated as a threat by someone who knows my character, is an insult to my character.
But when a stranger models me as a stranger, it’s not personal at all. It’s not about me. Not a reflection of who I am.
Yeah, for men the likely worst case scenario is embarrassment, women can get straight-up beaten or murdered
While that can be annoying, if somebody’s ghosting you, that’s just a signal to move on, yeah? You probably don’t want a relationship with somebody who can’t communicate, anyway.
It’s a shitty signal because it is just not replying to you and not a specific signal on its own. Could be for a bunch of reasons so you’ll have to guess that they’re ghosting you. It takes a while and even then you might not be sure.
It is a clear signal, it says very clearly and in no uncertain terms they don’t want to talk to you.
Your need for “closure” or whatever doesn’t matter.
It could be that you are busy, had some issues, many other reasons. The whole point of a clear signal is that it’s easy to understand and with as little room for misunderstanding, which ghosting is obviously not. If you want to ghost someone, by all means, but it’s def not a clear or direct signal.
Not to mention, I thought the whole point was that you don’t have to be direct and clear about it and hence won’t have to face the possible backlash.
I’m not sure what you mean by this. I didn’t think my “needs” were a subject of the discussion lol